


If The Pain Is Real, Does That Mean You Are Too?

by D_Exphagus



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:20:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24949096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/D_Exphagus/pseuds/D_Exphagus
Summary: Dealing with the aftermath of Endgame, Maria gets a little help assimilating back into what reality is now.Follows the events of Endgame, where Maria does a lot of soul searching with someone to guide her along the way.
Relationships: Maria Hill/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 20
Kudos: 60





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn’t help it. Major angst. Possible happy ending. I just had a lot of feels, okay? I already tortured myself by writing this, so please don’t hate me!

“I’m sorry, Maria. I tried.” Clint looked at her dead in the eye as she met the archer after the aftermath of Thanos’ defeat. 

He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts and his memories that were haunting him. Maria could’ve sworn she saw tears in his eyes as he reached into the many pockets of his vest and pulled out what seemed to be a thumb drive.

Clint held it out to her. “She wanted you to have this, in the off chance that ...” Clint cleared his throat and took a breath as if to continue his train of thought. “She said that she ... if you ... when she ...” 

Clint looked at her and it was definitely tears that were streaming down his face. “I’m sorry, Maria. I would’ve given anything to take her place.” He held out his hand again.

Maria’s eyes drifted from his tear streaked face down to his palm where a lone thumb drive sat. With shaking fingers, she reached out and plucked the thumb drive out of his hands. Holding it, Maria stared at the device, not fully comprehending the situation. Not fully comprehending anything, to be exact.

There was once a time when she called Clint her friend. Their friend. But staring at the device in the hand, it seemed as unfamiliar as the man standing in front of her.

She had been gone for 5 years ... Clint had aged 5 years and she had not. Life continued on for those unaffected by the snap and for those who came back, well, life was certainly different from when she last remembered waking up.

Maria nodded once at Clint. “Thank you.” She murmured, pocketing the drive and turning her heel back towards the room that she had been assigned to whilst handling the clean up.

5 years was a long time to be away from someone you loved.

____________________________

Maria held the device in her hands as she sat on the bed that she was given. It had been a long day. Together with Director Fury, they had tried to take stock of everything that they had lost, everything that they had missed and everything that they had to do now that they were back.

Together, they had to plan for a funeral for a fallen Avenger. A few fallen Avengers, to be exact. 

Time was a funny thing. It passes by so quickly when you have a goal to achieve. A mission to accomplish. A reason to live.

Maria briefly wondered what 5 years would have felt like for her had she not been decimated in the Snap.

It was 3 am but Maria was not tired. She had more or less been asleep for 5 years, she could do with not sleeping the first night that she was back.

She stared blankly at the single bed that adorned the room. 5 years was not enough to wipe out the memories of how it felt like to share a bed every other night for 7 years. 5 years had literally gone by in a snap for her and the memories that lingered in her mind were as fresh as the the smell of gunpowder and death that surrounded the field in which Thanos’ army were defeated.

Shaking her head, she pulled the tablet closer to her and thumbed her way through the mission reports that were filed by Captain America. Mission reports that spanned 5 years ever since the Snap that had taken her away from a life that she knew.

Mission reports from the one person that she had most wanted to be reunited with. Mission reports by the former Acting Director of SHIELD, Natasha Romanoff.

Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, Maria started to read. 5 years was a long time to be gone.

____________________________

When the sun rose the next morning, Maria’s eyes were red, but not from the lack of sleep. Nor from the strain of reading in the darkened room either.

Maria wasn’t aware that it was possible to cry so much the entire night and still have more tears leaking out every time her mind stumbled upon a memory of Natasha.

And all that’s left now were memories, because Natasha was gone. And Maria was not. 

Memories of twinkling green eyes, of constant smirks and pouty lips. Memories of red hair and feather light touches. Of whispers in the nights and kisses in the morning. 

Maria took in a shuddered breath. Everything reminded her of Natasha. Perhaps that was why everything hurt. Natasha was that one bright spot in her life and now that she’s gone, life was ....

Bleak.

Maris rubbed her eyes and cursed to herself. “Damn you, Nat.” 

She understood what had happened. Why it had happened, but that didn’t make the pill that was reality any easier to swallow.

Maria took a long look at the Stark issued tablet on her lap and plugged in the device that Clint had given her. Until she can get to New York, this was all she had left of Natasha’s. 

She held her breath as the device slowly booted up.

She jumped back in shock as an image projected itself out from the tablet and Maria instinctively scrambled towards it once she realized it was a hologram.

But that was stupid. You can’t touch holograms. Everyone knew that. 

But not everyone had their lives ripped away from them in a snap only to be thrown back at them with some really essential pieces missing.

Maria looked at the hologram in front of her and the first tear leaked out that night.

Natasha looked back at her with red rimmed eyes and a sad smile. Natasha looked back at her wearing one of Maria’s hoodies and her voice, when she finally spoke, was hoarse and soft, and brought out more tears from Maria’s eyes.

“Hey.” Hologram Natasha whispered at what Maria knew was a holographic camera of sorts. Natasha was seated on their bed in their shared apartment in New York. She looked longingly at the camera and smiled. Natasha reached out and just before her fingers touched the lens, she pulled back and wrapped her arms around herself. Feeling as small as Maria felt right now.

Biting her lip, Natasha looked down. Several beats passed as Maria sat there transfixed on the image of Natasha. Of the Natasha she remembered before the snap.

Finally Natasha looked up, and her green eyes were dull and tears poured out her eyes as she whispered into the camera.

“I miss you, Maria.” She stared into the camera unflinchingly and took a deep breath and exhaled noisily. “It’s been 2 days and I ..” She trailed off as she looked off camera into what Maria knew was a picture of the 2 of them taken during one of Stark’s parties. “I don’t know how to do this without you.”

Green eyes pierced the camera again as Natasha noisily blew her nose into her sleeves. Maria’s heart clenched at the familiar gesture. Her own eyes were wet with tears as she gripped her fists tight lest she reached out in an attempt to touch the holographic image of her better half.

Not trying to touch would hurt much less than having your fingers pass through thin air as the image fizzled every time Maria’s fingers disrupted it’s projection.

“I don’t know how to do this without you too, Nat.” Maria replied to the hologram, feeling slightly better at being able to converse with Natasha, albeit being one sided.

Natasha moved the camera so that it still showed her face even as she laid down on her side. “If I close my eyes right now, I can just pretend that you’re right here behind me.”

Green eyes looked into the camera as Maria’s breath hitched. Tears flowed down again as she felt her heart break again and again at the hurt she could see in Natasha’s eyes.

At the pain she could feel in her own soul at the fact that Natasha no longer existed. At the thought of never being able to see Natasha again.

Maria exhaled and her vision became too blurry to focus on Natasha’s face as she snuggled into her pillow - their pillow. “If I close my eyes and fall asleep, maybe I’ll wake up from this nightmare.”

Natasha stared unblinkingly at the camera, her emotions guarded. “If I close my eyes and fall asleep, maybe I’ll see you in my dreams.” One lone finger reached out and the hologram turned itself off.

Maria choked back a gasp as she struggled to breath as the reality came crashing down on her. She hit replay over and over again. 

Even if the only thing she could feel is pain from the memories of Natasha, at least she could still feel. Love is torture when you’re taken from the one who you shared your life with. 

It was 10 am when Maria finally succumbed to restless sleep, with eyes too tired from bawling the entire night to stay awake any longer.

It was 10 am when Maria dreamed of green eyes and small smiles meant only for her and her alone.

It was only in her dreams that Maria was reunited with Natasha after 5 long damn years.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all that read and reviewed the previous part of what now seems to be a multi chapter fic. Lol. I blame my feels.
> 
> Hope this one doesn't bring too many tears this time around. Sorta.

If anyone had noticed Maria’s red and puffy eyes the next day, they definitely did not mention it to her face.

Maria spent the entire day facilitating and ensuring that the world generally wasn’t going to burn down with the aftermath of Thanos and the snap that had brought everyone back.

Well, almost everyone.

It wasn’t until Laura Barton’s arrival that Maria allowed anyone to even come close to asking her if she was ok. But Laura was a friend. Not a work friend with lines drawn and images to keep.

To Laura, she was not Commander Hill, the Deputy Director of SHIELD. She was just Maria Hill, partner of Natasha Romanoff.

Laura was a friend. Their friend.

And as soon as Laura had engulfed Clint in hugs and kisses that brought more tears to Maria’s eyes, she had rushed over to Maria to do the same, leaving the Barton kids to surround their father.

If anyone had noticed Maria holding onto Laura as if her life depended on it, in plain view of what was left of SHIELD, they certainly kept it to themselves.

“I heard.” Was all Laura said. Maria nodded, her head hidden in Laura’s hair as Laura’s arms surrounded her. She took another breath as Laura murmured, “I’m so sorry, Maria. Natasha was family. Is.”

Maria nodded again, only soft exhales coming out of her mouth lest she breaks down in public.

They pulled back when Clint walked over, carrying little Nate on his hips. Maria flashed a tired smile at the small boy when her lover’s namesake waved his hello.

Oh, to be innocent and unknowing.

Laura held her at arm’s length. “Are you ok?” She asked, tucking herself into Clint’s side even as she spoke.

Maria took a deep breath and ruffled Nate’s hair. “I will be.” She murmured.

She ran a hand through her hair, suddenly feeling self conscious as she could see everyone’s gaze averting as she raised her eyes to scan the room. “I should ...” She trailed off. Hastily taking a step back, she practically sprinted to her room.

_________________________________

“It’s day 15 and I’m beginning to think that I’ll never see you again.” Natasha’s voice comes out from the hologram that Maria had on in the privacy of her room.

This was video number 18. Maria went through the entire drive and found what seemed like thousands of videos of Natasha. 5 years was a long time to document your life.

It made the days pass easier when she could come back to her room and pretend that Natasha was there with her.

It was Day 15 for Natasha but only Day 2 for Maria. The pain of her loss was still very raw. Maria doesn’t even think that it has properly sunken in yet.

She wasn’t sure that she would be able to survive 5 years without Natasha the way Natasha did without her. Natasha was always the stronger one.

She was Maria’s rock. She still is.

There were bags under Natasha’s green eyes and they looked as dull as Maria felt inside. “I keep thinking that this is all a bad dream and that I’ll wake up and you’re going to be there next to me.” Natasha murmurs to the camera, speaking her thoughts.

“I started this out as way to ...” Natasha shrugged, her shoulders drooping with her actions. “... connect with you, I guess.” Natasha give a bitter laugh. “Steve thinks that I should see a therapist.”

She looks dead into the camera. “He doesn’t get it.” She looks sadly at the camera. “He doesn’t know what I’ve lost.” Natasha hung her head down. “I’m sorry, Maria.” She whispered. 

Silence fell in the room as Natasha processed her feelings while Maria just stared at the hologram with tears in her eyes. Natasha was so real but yet ...

“If you’re seeing this, Masha ...” Natasha murmured, lifting her head out and speaking directly into the camera, “Know that I love you. Know that I’ll always remember you. Know that I’m forever yours.” Natasha gave her a sad smile and switched off the camera.

_______________________________

Pepper found her sitting alone with a beer for company on the verandah of the Starks’ cabin.

“Hey.” Pepper gave her a tired smile in greeting. “Mind if I join you?” She gestured at the space next to Maria.

Maria shrugged. Out of everyone else that was there, only Pepper and Clint knew her outside of SHIELD. Perhaps a little company would be nice.

They both nursed their beers in the quiet evening.

Maria broke the silence, telling Pepper what she had probably heard a hundred times that day itself. “I’m sorry about Tony. He was a good man.”

Pepper nodded to herself and leaned against the railing. “He was.” She agreed. “He told me about what Natasha did.” Pepper looked at her, sympathy and something akin to understanding in her eyes.

“How are you holding up?” She asked instead, studying Maria’s emotionless facade.

Maria stared into the lake in the distance and considered her answer. “I’m processing.” She decided to answer instead, her exterior cracking just slightly at the very thought of Natasha.

Pepper nodded and didn’t pursue further. Pepper knew Maria enough from her time at Stark Industries to know that Maria would only open up when she was ready.

Maria studied Pepper’s profile in the dusk. This wasn’t Pepper Potts, SI CEO. This was Pepper, Tony’s wife - Tony’s widow, who was grieving as much as she was, if not more.

This was Pepper who was a mother to the most adorable Morgan Stark. A child that she had with Tony. A child who would grow up without a father, but would have many other father figures surrounding her, if the remaining Avengers would have anything to do about it.

“You?” Maria asked instead, taking a sip of her beer.

Pepper glanced at Maria before looking away. Her finger absentmindedly rubbed at the ring on her finger. “The past 5 years have been kind.” She turned to Maria. “Natasha dropped by a couple of times.”

“Yeah?’” A hint of a smile graced Maria’s features, her expression otherwise blank. “I bet that annoyed Tony to no end.”

“Mmm.” Pepper agreed. “You know how they are. Bickered like children whenever they were together.” Pepper smiled in memory. “Morgan loved hanging out with Aunty Nat, though.”

Maria snorted at that. “Yeah, bet Tony absolutely loved that.” Pepper merely laughed in response.

“I’m gonna miss him.” She looked at Maria briefly.

Maria nodded and kept her eyes on the lake, unwilling to let her tears fall in front of yet another friend. “Things will get easier. Better.” Maria spoke, unsure if the words were meant more for herself or for Pepper.

“Oh I don’t doubt that.” Pepper took another swig of her beer.

“That’s what they all say, isn’t it?” Maria asked rhetorically.

“Mmm.” Pepper agreed, content to just hum her answer.

“She left me something.” Maria revealed. “I think I have Tony to thank for that.” She continued, looking at Pepper. “Holograms like that scream out Stark Tech to me.”

Pepper nodded and moved to squeeze Maria’s hand on her lap. “Feels real, doesn’t it?” She murmured.

Maria bit her lip and nodded once. “Trust Tony to be such a genius inventor.”

Pepper chuckled and stood up in one swift motion. “Morgan seems to take over her father in that matter. In fact ...” She looked back at the house where a few other members of the Avengers were converging to swap stories and just to feel alive again. Together.

“Come find me in the study?” Pepper squeezed Maria’s shoulder and left the brunette sitting by herself on the porch.

__________________________________

Maria knocked on the door and gave the little girl inside a smile. “Hey, Morgan.”

Morgan looked at Maria and studied the intruder. “You’re Aunty Maria.” She stated, cocking her head to the side. “Aunty Nat used to show me pictures all the time.”

Maria smiled, and walked into the room. “Yeah, do you ...” She paused, wondering if it was right to ask Morgan for a favour. “Did you spend a lot of time with Aunty Nat, then?”

Morgan squinted at Maria and nodded. “Aunty Nat would come by and we’d make things.” Morgan walked towards the shelf on the far right of the study.

“You want to see?” The little girl asked, motioning for Maria to come closer. “Mummy said I should show you.” She shrugged. “I’ve got one of Daddy too ...” She trailed off and bit her lip. “Daddy showed me how to programme it.” She continued, pointing at a console on the shelf.

“Can you get it for me? I’m not tall enough.” Morgan pouted, crossing her arms.

Maria chuckled at the resemblance of Tony she could see in the tiny Stark offspring. “Sure thing, kiddo.” She walked over and picked up the console.

“This one?” She asked, selecting the console that had a label on it. There was a disk that was plugged into the console. Maria turned it around and read it out loud.

“AMANDA.” Maria looked at Morgan. “Was this something you made ...?” She trailed off. Morgan nodded. “We called it Mandy, for short. It’s for you.”

Maria smiled at Morgan, perplexed at what the console held. “Thanks, Morgan.” She said automatically and looked at the door to the study when Pepper walked in.

“It’s not JARVIS.” Pepper entered the room and Morgan ran towards her. “Mummy!”

Pepper gave her daughter a hug and placed a kiss on her temple. “It’s not FRIDAY either.” She shook her head and ruffled Morgan’s hair and smiled when the youngest Stark pouted at her actions.

“Can I go find Uncle Happy? He promised me a hamburger.” Morgan asked, clutching at what seemed to look like Tony’s Iron Man Gauntlet.

“Sure. Just make sure he doesn’t give you more than one!” Pepper called out after her daughter who was already running out of the study.

Pepper looked at the retreating figure fondly before turning her attention back at Maria. Maria waited patiently for Pepper to explain the console she had in her hands.

“Natasha came over one weekend when Tony was tweaking it.” Pepper shrugged. “Recalibrating, he said.” Pepper explained. “It’s not as advanced as JARVIS was, but it’s a natural language user interface computer system.” Pepper rolled her eyes. “Tony’s own words, not mine.”

She ran a hand along the edge of the console Maria left on the table “I’d have just called it a Virtual Assistant AI.”

Maria cocked her head to the side. “So why are you giving me this? I don’t exactly work and live in the Stark Tower anymore.” Maria scoffed. “I doubt that my home entertainment unit needs that much of a system, to be honest.”

Pepper plucked the disk out of the console so that Maria could read it properly. There, written in Natasha’s scrawl were the words ‘A.M.A.N.D.A. – Agents Morgan and Natasha’s Digital Assistant’.

Pepper gave her a kind smile and covered one of Maria’s larger hands with her own when Maria gasped at the words written on the disk. “Natasha voiced it.”

And that was all Pepper had to say before Maria felt her resolve crack as she and Pepper sat in the privacy of the study with tears running down their faces.


	3. Chapter 3

Going back to their shared New York apartment for the first time since she was snapped back would’ve been a homecoming of sorts for Maria. It would’ve been perfect, just like the couple of times in the past when Maria had returned home after a long mission to Natasha always just waiting for her at the apartment with nothing but a smile.

How they would call out, ‘Honey, I’m home!’ just to elicit a smirk and a fond eye roll each time it happened.

It had been almost 10 days since Tony’s funeral. In that week, Maria had busied herself with Fury, rebuilding SHIELD for what it was before everything went downhill. 

It was 10 entire days of Maria returning to an empty room, silhouetted by Natasha’s hologram which Maria left playing each night, bringing her to a fitful sleep. 

Maria took a deep breath just as she turned the doorknob and readied herself for what she would find in their apartment. From what Maria understood, Natasha had made her base at the Avengers facility. It would appear to Maria that she would be entering a home that was frozen in time – a home that would’ve been left empty for the 5 long years that Maria was gone.

A house that was not a home, devoid of human life, an empty, dusty, musky shell of a home she once shared with Natasha.

She shouldered the door open and her senses were assaulted with the smell of Natasha. Maria felt tears instantly in her eyes and she blinked back the moisture and turned to lock the door. Dropping her small duffel bag on the rack near the door, Maria looked around, almost wishing that she would find Natasha looking back at her.

She did not.

What she did find however, was a house that lacked Natasha’s physical presence, but nevertheless, it was obvious to Maria that this was Natasha’s home. The reports must have been wrong, as Maria breathed in the smell she associated with her lover permeating through the air.

Maria slowly walked towards the kitchen counter and ran her fingers on the marble top. She rubbed her fingers and was surprised when her fingers were devoid of any remnants of dust. Natasha had definitely gone back to the apartment the week before she left for Vormir.

Maria slowly made her way to their bedroom, pausing slightly to take in the small changes that Natasha had made to the apartment. The couch definitely looked more worn than when Maria left. Natasha had pillows and throws moved to the couch, making Maria believe that Natasha did not spend most nights on the bed that they once shared.

Maria shook her head, she wasn’t sure if she could bring herself to sleep in the bed that was made for two but now only housed one. She walked over to the bedroom and pushed the door open. The bed was neatly made, like it hadn’t been slept in for a long time.

Lying on the middle of the bed was a single piece of paper and that Maria rushed quickly to. She lifted the paper up to her nose and inhaled faint traces of Natasha’s perfume and smiled at the familiarity and comfort it provided her. Everything screamed home to her, so why did it hurt so much?

The letter was indeed dated a few days before the reports had said that Natasha left for her last mission. Opening the letter with shaky hands, Maria sat at the edge of the bed and started to read.

_Maria,_ (it said)

_It’s been too long._

_If you’re reading this, well, I guess we both know what that means. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there. Please know that I tried my very best to make it back to you._

_Remember that I love you and I want to thank you for loving me back throughout these years. I will never trade the 7 years that we’ve spent together for anything._

_No regrets. Every day spent with you was … is everything to me, Maria. I can only wish we had more time._

_Be happy, Masha. Think of me once in a while. After all, they say the dead can hear your thoughts, can’t they?_

_Always,  
Natasha_

The morning found Maria passed out in their bed, Natasha’s letter clutched tightly in her hand.  
__________________________________

Maria had always been sensible. Rational. She knew how to get over someone. The theory of it anyway. But she wasn’t heartless. Knowing how to do something did not necessarily mean that she had the emotional strength to do it.

She knew that going through Natasha’s holograms would always cause an ache in her chest. The ache wouldn’t always be pain. Sometimes, it just meant that it touched a part of Maria that Natasha would always live. The ache would eventually fade or at least lessen, her memories of Natasha would be less fresh in her mind. Watching Natasha just felt like constantly pressing on a bruise that while faded, would still linger on deep inside her, never to be healed completely.

And how could it, with Natasha gone, taking with her a part of Maria? She would never be whole again.

Natasha’s holograms have become less sombre even, as Maria was close to approaching the anniversary of the first year after the Snap in Natasha’s videos. She spoke to Maria with hope that they would be able to pull off a miracle to bring Maria back.

And they did, but at a cost that Maria was unwilling to pay. But nobody asked her. 

Maria had always prided herself with the ability to separate business and pleasure. She was used to busying herself with work until there actually was no time for any personal life.

That was, until Natasha came along.

Natasha changed everything in Maria’s life. For the better of course. With Natasha, the line between business and pleasure were muddled constantly, but yet, Maria had managed to retain a balance between being Natasha’s colleague and just simply _being_ Natasha’s.

And with Natasha’s departure, Maria had managed to fall back into her old habits of working until she had no time to herself. It was a successful avoidance tactic that worked all up until her arrival at their apartment in New York.

Before she had left the new SHIELD base, Maria had had a chat with Fury and told him that if he didn’t need her anymore, she would like some time off to handle some personal issues. Fury had given her a couple of days off.

Now, as Maria pinched her eyes shut, she replayed the conversation she just had with Fury after she called him when she awoke for the third day in a row with eyes that were swollen from crying the night before.

“Sir, request for an extended time off.” Maria had always kept her conversations with Fury concise.

Fury had kept quiet on the other line. “For how long, Hill?” He asked instead.

“I …” Maria’s voice broke slightly and she took in a deep breath. “I need time to grieve, Nick.” She softly murmured.

“I see.” Fury cleared his throat. “In that case, take all the time you need, Commander. Report back to base when you see fit.”

“Yes, sir.” Maria replied, breathing out through her nose.

“One more thing.” Fury added before he hung up. “She was a damn fine agent, Hill. The world has lost one of it’s best.”

Maria bit back a smile. “That she was, Sir.” She paused. “And thank you, Nick.”

Fury grunted a response before cutting the line.

Maria looked around the living room. So far, Maria had not activated AMANDA. She had set Morgan’s gift on the table and had merely plugged in the device to her own system. There were already too many memories of Natasha scattered around the apartment that they shared. Maria wasn’t quite sure if she could take anymore.

After that first night, Maria had done what Natasha did, and had spent the next few nights curled up on the couch where she slept to Natasha’s hologram image. Pizza boxes were strewn around the apartment and Maria heaved a sigh before getting up to clear them.

Maria always cooked whenever they ate at the apartment. Natasha always did the dishes after. And when they did get takeout, Natasha was usually the one who cleaned up after when Maria would place the order. It was just an arrangement that they fell into after the few disastrous times where Natasha had attempted to cook for them and failed.

“Good evening, Commander Hill, would you like me to assist in calling for the cleaning service to help with that?” Natasha’s voice sounded out loud and clear from the system as Maria jumped and whirled around to look at the device.

“What the fuck? Natasha?” Maria cursed, dropping the pizza boxes in her hand on the floor.

“Apologies, Commander. I was programmed to activate myself upon plug in. Perhaps I should introduce myself. I am AMANDA, short for –“ Natasha’s voice sounded out loud in the empty apartment.

“I know what it stands for!” Maria all but shouted out. “Just … just … don’t.” Her words failed her as she fell down on the couch and felt tears come out of her eyes again. She really was a fucking mess.

“I seem to have displeased you, Commander Hill. Please allow me to fix that. What would you require me to do?” Natasha – AMANDA responded.

Maria glared with teary eyes at the device as AMANDA kept quiet. Having Natasha’s voice talk to her in her empty apartment really fucked with her mind. The voice was clearly Natasha’s, but the words were cold, empty, a mere AI with Natasha’s voice.

“Call me Maria.” She finally replied, her red rimmed eyes looking at a photo of the two on them on the mantle near the television.

“As you wish, Maria. Now, what can I do for you?”

So many things, Maria thought. But as she reached out to touch a picture of Natasha, she came to the realization.

Watching a hologram message from Natasha was different. While it was a one sided conversation, Maria knew that the Natasha inside the hologram wasn’t there in the flesh, wasn’t real. But this Natasha, this Natasha that had a mind of it’s own, this Natasha was as real as an AI could be.

But it wasn’t _her_ Natasha.

The sooner she came to terms with it, the better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm not entirely happy with the way this turned out, but I reckon the words being out here is better than being left in my computer never to see the daylight.   
> Better times will come for Maria. I think.


End file.
